callistahogan: (Default)
"Daaaaa-aaad, come up and kiss me!"

Every night, that was my motto. I would trudge up to bed and get cuddled up under my covers, waiting for my dad to come up and place that whiskery kiss on my forehead before falling asleep. I remember it most clearly when my sister and I were sharing a room, and she was with her boyfriend. It was about eight o'clock, and like clockwork, he would come up, kiss me goodnight. If he didn't, my night did not seem complete.

I grew out of it, but somehow, somewhere along the way, years later, I find that I do not like being touched.

I don't know why, but it just happened. It might have happened because of my parent's divorce (which is a long story for another time) or it might have been something I was born with, because I don't remember wanting to be touched much before that. It's not that something happened to me in my childhood, because nothing did.

I just don't like being touched.

I shy away from it, in fact.

This becomes a problem every get-together, when my family expects a hug and I don't feel comfortable. It's for a reason I don't understand, but I try to pull away as quickly as possible. It is especially uncomfortable with my mother -- because although I love her, I hardly ever see her, and there's an illogical part of me that blames her for breaking our family apart -- but it turns out that I have to grin and bear it, pretending that it doesn't bother me.

My best friend, M, once had so much crap going on in her life -- and she still does, as a matter of fact -- and I hugged her then. With my ex-boyfriends, I didn't mind the physical contact, but regardless, sometimes it made me uncomfortable. Even though I don't always prevent physical contact outright, I don't actively seek it out.

I prefer words, although I don't always have the right ones. I prefer showing my affection in a different way. However, my family is completely different. Most of them are very affectionate, wanting hugs whenever we meet, which I oblige with. I realize that sometimes, I have to sacrifice my own personal comfort for other peoples' joy.

I realize this most clearly when I see my mother.

The last time I saw her was at Thanksgiving, when we went to my sister's house for dinner. My stomach was tied in knots throughout the whole thing, because I realized that my boundaries would get pushed once again. I know she's my mother, I know that she needs to know I love her, and that's one of the major reasons why, when I hug her tightly, I don't feel uncomfortable.

I don't see her that often, and when I do, it's only for a couple of hours.

And if one touch from me will make her healthier and happier, then my personal boundaries go right out the window.

--

Gosh, this entry was hard to write. I guess I'm just out of practice. Anyway, this entry is for [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol . I hope you enjoy, and please vote for me. I hope to have a chance to continue writing!

Date: 2009-12-12 07:29 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] shadowwolf13
shadowwolf13: (Default)
I didn't grow up with touch and now I'm surrounded by it. It's good for me though. I'm glad you realize how important it is to your mother. :)

Date: 2009-12-12 07:44 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] kiwiria.livejournal.com
ext_5285: (Default)
And if one touch from me will make her healthier and happier, then my personal boundaries go right out the window.
Loved this!

Date: 2009-12-12 09:01 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] rejeneration.livejournal.com
Hmm, I wonder how the two correlate, how you liked your father's kisses but then went to not wanting to be touched? =( It's so sweet that despite your own discomfort, you're still so willing to make your friend feel better.

Date: 2009-12-12 09:04 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] callistahogan.livejournal.com
I don't know, honestly. :) I suppose it's a combination of me just getting older and my parent's divorce. But it's interesting to reflect on how that changed over the years.

Date: 2009-12-12 09:54 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] sherriola.livejournal.com
I have a friend who is very much like you about touch. Nice entry.

Date: 2009-12-13 04:19 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] cacophonesque.livejournal.com
I have a good friend who hates being touched... who fell in with a circle of friends (mine) who are incredibly touchy-feely people. And usually it's ok--except for we all sometimes forget and envelop her in huge hugs while she twitches and seethes.

Date: 2009-12-13 06:17 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] jenandbronze.livejournal.com
Interesting handle on the topic, I haven't come across people that do not like to touch me, and this is something they have to, especially when showing me things or for communication, etc.

Date: 2009-12-14 04:48 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] walkertxkitty.livejournal.com
You're not the only one who is uncomfortable with touch. I don't like being touched for many reasons; it sometimes actually hurts but more than that it just seems an invasion of privacy.

Date: 2009-12-15 02:39 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] onda-bianca.livejournal.com
I think an aversion to being touched is actually quite common...I'm glad you were able to make your friend feel better though!

Date: 2009-12-15 10:14 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] baxaphobia.livejournal.com
My family is not affectionate. I had a hard time cracking that shell around me to become not what my family is. Sometimes it's still a struggle. Very nice entry.

Date: 2009-12-15 01:48 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] poppetawoppet.livejournal.com
that last line

<3

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