Date: 2010-03-19 12:12 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] horosha.livejournal.com
Nice. I particularly liked the Willow story :)

Some feedback: you have a lot of lines where you describe people talking. For example: "Willow chirps" or "Portlyn said but much too quickly." Oftentimes, it's best to let the dialog or action carry the emotion. For example, the difference between:

"I hate you," he said angrily.

and

"I hate you!" He slammed the door in his face.

is pretty palpable for most people. Likewise, people don't "chirp" or "sigh" or "exclaim" or "breath" or "bemoan" nearly as often as they do in fiction. If you have to use a descriptor, stick with "said." It might feel awkward when you're proofreading, but the word blurs into the back of the mind such that readers won't notice that's the only verb you're using, assuming you're not using it with every line.

Anyway, that's my feedback. I enjoyed reading your stories. You definitely don't fail at fiction! Keep writing and post more :)
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callistahogan

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