Thinky Thoughts

[callistahogan]

"I'd rather have people hate me with the knowledge that I tried to save them." —Keith Green

For someone like me, an evangelist, this quote could not possibly have any more truth to it. This quote really brings home the point that, if I'm really dedicated to bringing people to Christ, the great majority of the world is going to hate me. They'll call me intolerant, close-minded, or something else in that vein. People won't want to hang around with me for fear that I'll try to "convert" them. I've already broken up with someone incredibly close to my heart because of this very issue, even though I've tried as hard as I can to make it seem like I wasn't witnessing to him so that he didn't feel pressured.

And, yeah, I failed. Yeah, maybe it crushed any chance of the future I want ever happening. Yeah, perhaps we'll never be as close again.

But that doesn't make me regret witnessing to him. That doesn't make me want to go back on my word and stop witnessing to him. That doesn't make me want to reject God for taking away the person closest to me. That doesn't make me want to reject Him and become worldly once again. That doesn't make me regret anything that I've done in the past few months, perhaps excluding those moments where I slipped back into the worldly image or tried too hard to witness.

My relationship with that person (who shall not be named, since he knows who he is) may perhaps never be the same. Already we seem more distant with each other. Things aren't the same—perhaps they never will be—and maybe we'll never get back together. However, I feel like I did the right thing in refusing not to witness to him. It's... hard, harder than I ever expected it to be, but I'm hanging on. I can get through this, stronger in my faith than I had been before this.

I know this won't be the first time this will happen. I know that relationships with people, whether it be romantic or platonic, will disintegrate and flicker out because of my faith. I know that my being an evangelist may make people uncomfortable and they may not want to be around me anymore. I knew this even before I started witnessing again. I knew that people were going to look down on me for being an evangelist. This doesn't make it hurt any less, but it also doesn't make me want to just give up. At least I'm still halfway friends with him—there will be some times where people will abhor my being an evangelist so much that they will hate me, but... then, I'll think about that quote: "I'd rather have people hate me with the knowledge that I tried to save them."

As long as they know why I was witnessing to them and why I wanted them to come to Christ, things will be all right. At least they have that knowledge, you know? And if they don't have that knowledge, then... at least I tried, and I can never regret trying to save someone I care about a spot in heaven.

-

 

On this same topic, there are a lot of songs that express my deep need to witness to the people close to me—I can think of at least three. Since this is something that I need to talk about, it would probably help those reading this to understand this need if I share the songs and the lyrics with you.

The first song is one that I've loved for a long time. It's called Here I Go Again by Casting Crowns, and the lyrics are as quoted below:

Father, hear my prayer
I need the perfect words
Words that he will hear
And know they're straight from You
I don't know what to say
I only know it hurts
To see my only friend slowly fade away

So maybe this time
I'll speak the words of life with your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearin' at my words
What am I so afraid of?
'Cause here I go again

Talkin' 'bout the rain and mullin' over things
That won't live past today and as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him

But here I go again
Here I go again

Lord, You love him so
You gave your only son
If he will just believe
He will never die
But how then will he know
What he has never heard?
Lord, he has never seen mirrored in my life

So maybe this time
I'll speak the words of life with your fire in my eyes
But that old familar fear is tearin' at my words
What am I so afraid of?
'Cause here I go again

Talkin' 'bout the rain and mullin' over things
That won't live past today and as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him

But here I go again
Here I go again

So maybe this time
I'll speak the words of life with your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearin' at my words
What am I so afraid of?
'Cause here I go again

Talkin' 'bout the rain and mullin' over things
That won't live past today and as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him
This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him
This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him

You love him, You love him
What am I so afraid
What am I so afraid
What am I so afraid of?
How then will he know
What he has never heard?

This song... has been the source of many of my tears. It's not because the song is bad—no, it's because the song is so good. Whenever I listen to this song, I can relate to it so much. There are so many people I want to witness to, and so many of them have never heard the truth. Whether it's because of their schools, their families, the books they read, the culture we live in, or any other number of things, Christianity is often seen as this terrible, oppressive religion that goes through and demolishes everyone that doesn't believe exactly what they do. And, whenever someone like me, a Christian, tries to correct these opinions, I'm called narrow-minded and intolerant. In fact, I was even called a fascist once. Because of a poem I wrote expressing my need to witness to my friends.

That doesn't discourage me, though. I want people to come to Christ so badly... I want it so much that it physically hurts. Whenever I hear someone say something terrible about Christianity, my heart tightens. I want so badly to correct their perception, but... it's nearly impossible to do. Witnessing is literally my life. If I didn't have my evangelism, I wouldn't be able to serve God, and... if I wasn't able to do that, then I wouldn't have anything. This may seem like an exaggeration, but it's true. Without Christ, without evangelism, without witnessing, without trying to bring people to Christ, I am nothing. 

And yet... sometimes I feel like I don't know what to say. Sometimes, when I try to witness, especially in real life, face-to-face, I stumble over my words and say stuff wrong. My witnessing is dependent on which alley God gives me to do so. So often, I say the wrong things. And... sometimes, I don't want to witness. I tend to "talk about the rain" and "mull over things that won't live past today." It's then that I need to concentrate on Christ.

And it's hard, but... I want to bring people to Christ. No matter what, that is one thing that I will not give up on. I haven't yet been able to lead people to Christ, but I am looking forward to that moment more than anything else in my life. I just hope... I just hope that that moment will come soon, but even if it doesn't, I'll try to be as patient as I can. Because it'll happen when it's meant to happen, and not a second before that.

Until then, I'll have to be prepared. I can't just expect my life to change someone's so irrevocably that they'll want to accept Christ and experience the joy and hope I do. I've got to make an effort. I've got to live it, breathe it, have it be the driving force in everthing I do. I have to pray for the strength to bring someone to Christ... if I don't have prayer, I doubt things will get done.

And this last point brings me to my next song, Prayer for a Friend by Casting Crowns. The lyrics are as follows:

Lord, I lift my friend to You
I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You
Complicated circumstances have clouded his view
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

I fear that I won't have the words that he needs to hear
I pray for Your wisdom, oh God, and a heart that's sincere
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You
My best friend in the world
I know he means much more to You
I want so much to help him, but this is something he has to do
And Lord, I lift my friend up to You

'Cause there's a way that seems so right to him
But You know where that leads
He's becoming a puppet of the world, too blind to see the strings
Lord, I lift my friend up to You
My friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You
I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You

This song refers to a "he," but that could easily be switched to a "she," because I'm not just witnessing to males—in fact, I'm predominantly witnessing to females. However, disregarding the gender-specificness, this song is absolutely beautiful. It's only about two minutes and forty-five minutes, but wow, does it pack some deep emotion in there.

For me, this song really hits home. In some circumstances, I have literally done all I can. I've been witnessing, I've been telling them about Christianity, I'm living out my faith... and sometimes, all of my best efforts could come to an end of absolutely nothing. And that's when I have to still continue witnessing, but... put the rest in the God's hands. I have to pray, pray so hard. I literally curl up in a ball in my bed and cry out to God, tears running down my face, as I ask Him to bring my friends to Him. 

It's so hard to stay strong. It's so hard to be an evangelist and know that the people you're witnessing to might come to hate you in the end. It's hard to see them travel down the wrong path, becoming a "puppet of the world, too blind to see the strings," to quote the song. It's hard to see people reject Christ simply because of a few bad experiences with the faith. 

But it's something I have to deal with. It's not going to go away. These difficulties are not going to get easier—in fact, they're going to get more difficult. And when that happens, I can't just give up. I'll still witness and, more than anything else, pray for them. Every single day, I ask God to bring my friends to Christ. As said above, many of those times involve tears. Evangelism is such a big part of me... it makes me wear my heart on my sleeve, it really does. It's amazing how vulnerable and emotional evangelism makes me feel.

So... yeah. As you can deduce, I'm struggling with evangelism—not with wanting to do it, of course, but with trying to make it have a difference. Sometimes, it seems like it doesn't make a bit of difference, and then other times it seems like I'm so close to having my first friend accept the Lord.

But that's okay.

So it's difficult. That doesn't mean I'll stop. I love the people I'm witnessing to, but I'm constantly remembering that Jesus loves them even more... and that's where this next song comes in. It really expresses my need to witness, and my passion for doing so.

Perfectly suitable, the next song is called Jesus Loves You by Stellar Kart, and the lyrics are below:

Tell me, what do you believe in?
Does your life have rhyme or reason?
Something in your heart that makes you care?
I hope that you don't mind me asking
But I've got a burning passion
I need to know forever you'll be there

I can't make it clearer
Put it any other way
If you can't see the simple truth I do
Then there's nothing in this world that's left to say
But Jesus loves you

I know I don't have all the answers
And I have wasted many chances
To prove to you a faith that lives inside
I'm praying there will be a breakthrough
'Cause I can't be the one to save you
God knows how many times I've tried

I can't explain
But I can't deny
So many times for you I've cried
And to see you on your knees tonight

I can't make it any clearer
Put it any other way
To know you know the simple truth I do
And to know that your forever has been changed
'Cause Jesus loves you

Out of these three songs, this is my favorite. It just... perfectly expresses everything—my passion for evangelism, how I've done all I know to do and how I have to hand things over to Christ sometimes, how I want to see someone come to Christ because of some of my efforts, to see someone come to be a Christian and how that would change my life...

From the first line, I knew that I was going to love this song. So often, I've asked myself: What does [insert religion and/or belief system here] believe in? Why do they believe in it? What does their religion or belief system explain, and how does it do that? What does it justify? What does it not justify? Does it fulfill the followers of that religion/belief system, or do they feel empty? At its heart, what is that particular religion or belief system teaching? To me, a lot of those religions/belief systems seem so inconceivably far-fetched that I couldn't possibly believe what they do. 

And when it talks about the "burning passion"... that's what I have. I have a burning passion for Christ, for evangelism, as you can see. It makes me literally risk friendships and relationships with other people—evangelism even made me break off the relationship that meant the most to me in this world. I'm dedicated to this... I'm dedicated to evangelism, even though I know that on my own I can't bring people to Christ. However, I'm not going to give up—God uses me as a vessel to bring people to Christ, and I can't claim responsibility. It's all God's work, and none of mine.

This song reminds me that, however much I might want to be, I can't be the one to save my friends. I can show them the path, I can light it up for them, I can nudge them a bit, but in the end, it's the Holy Spirit working in me and in them that will bring them to Christ. I can't possibly claim credit—it's all God's love and grace that's doing it. So, if what I say doesn't work, I have to hope that Christ will somehow open their eyes.

Which is hard.

As the song says, I've cried so many times about how I feel so helpless to bring people to Christ. I curl up in bed and cry for hours because I feel so helpless. I cry for hours on end. I write long posts and emails in hopes of explaining my faith to them. When that doesn't work, I break down and cry out to Jesus. I ask Him to bring them into His arms. Because... Jesus loves my friends more than I could ever love them. He died for them—not me. He loves them so much more, and if He wants them to come to Him, then they will. (Of course, he wants everyone to come to Him, but that's another can of worms that I am not getting into right now.)

And... I think I've said all I can. I might expand on this post later, but I've got to go in fifteen minutes, so I can't really do so now. I will talk more about this subject, though—if you didn't get anything else out of this, I hope you've all realized how much evangelism is a part of me, because that's what I set out to do with this post. Opinions are varied on how well I succeeded, though.