Thinky Thoughts

[callistahogan]

"I'd rather have people hate me with the knowledge that I tried to save them." —Keith Green

For someone like me, an evangelist, this quote could not possibly have any more truth to it. This quote really brings home the point that, if I'm really dedicated to bringing people to Christ, the great majority of the world is going to hate me. They'll call me intolerant, close-minded, or something else in that vein. People won't want to hang around with me for fear that I'll try to "convert" them. I've already broken up with someone incredibly close to my heart because of this very issue, even though I've tried as hard as I can to make it seem like I wasn't witnessing to him so that he didn't feel pressured.

And, yeah, I failed. Yeah, maybe it crushed any chance of the future I want ever happening. Yeah, perhaps we'll never be as close again.

But that doesn't make me regret witnessing to him. That doesn't make me want to go back on my word and stop witnessing to him. That doesn't make me want to reject God for taking away the person closest to me. That doesn't make me want to reject Him and become worldly once again. That doesn't make me regret anything that I've done in the past few months, perhaps excluding those moments where I slipped back into the worldly image or tried too hard to witness.

My relationship with that person (who shall not be named, since he knows who he is) may perhaps never be the same. Already we seem more distant with each other. Things aren't the same—perhaps they never will be—and maybe we'll never get back together. However, I feel like I did the right thing in refusing not to witness to him. It's... hard, harder than I ever expected it to be, but I'm hanging on. I can get through this, stronger in my faith than I had been before this.

I know this won't be the first time this will happen. I know that relationships with people, whether it be romantic or platonic, will disintegrate and flicker out because of my faith. I know that my being an evangelist may make people uncomfortable and they may not want to be around me anymore. I knew this even before I started witnessing again. I knew that people were going to look down on me for being an evangelist. This doesn't make it hurt any less, but it also doesn't make me want to just give up. At least I'm still halfway friends with him—there will be some times where people will abhor my being an evangelist so much that they will hate me, but... then, I'll think about that quote: "I'd rather have people hate me with the knowledge that I tried to save them."

As long as they know why I was witnessing to them and why I wanted them to come to Christ, things will be all right. At least they have that knowledge, you know? And if they don't have that knowledge, then... at least I tried, and I can never regret trying to save someone I care about a spot in heaven.

-

 

On this same topic, there are a lot of songs that express my deep need to witness to the people close to me—I can think of at least three. Since this is something that I need to talk about, it would probably help those reading this to understand this need if I share the songs and the lyrics with you.

The first song is one that I've loved for a long time. It's called Here I Go Again by Casting Crowns, and the lyrics are as quoted below:

Father, hear my prayer
I need the perfect words
Words that he will hear
And know they're straight from You
I don't know what to say
I only know it hurts
To see my only friend slowly fade away

So maybe this time
I'll speak the words of life with your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearin' at my words
What am I so afraid of?
'Cause here I go again

Talkin' 'bout the rain and mullin' over things
That won't live past today and as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him

But here I go again
Here I go again

Lord, You love him so
You gave your only son
If he will just believe
He will never die
But how then will he know
What he has never heard?
Lord, he has never seen mirrored in my life

So maybe this time
I'll speak the words of life with your fire in my eyes
But that old familar fear is tearin' at my words
What am I so afraid of?
'Cause here I go again

Talkin' 'bout the rain and mullin' over things
That won't live past today and as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him

But here I go again
Here I go again

So maybe this time
I'll speak the words of life with your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearin' at my words
What am I so afraid of?
'Cause here I go again

Talkin' 'bout the rain and mullin' over things
That won't live past today and as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him
This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him
This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him

You love him, You love him
What am I so afraid
What am I so afraid
What am I so afraid of?
How then will he know
What he has never heard?

This song... has been the source of many of my tears. It's not because the song is bad—no, it's because the song is so good. Whenever I listen to this song, I can relate to it so much. There are so many people I want to witness to, and so many of them have never heard the truth. Whether it's because of their schools, their families, the books they read, the culture we live in, or any other number of things, Christianity is often seen as this terrible, oppressive religion that goes through and demolishes everyone that doesn't believe exactly what they do. And, whenever someone like me, a Christian, tries to correct these opinions, I'm called narrow-minded and intolerant. In fact, I was even called a fascist once. Because of a poem I wrote expressing my need to witness to my friends.

That doesn't discourage me, though. I want people to come to Christ so badly... I want it so much that it physically hurts. Whenever I hear someone say something terrible about Christianity, my heart tightens. I want so badly to correct their perception, but... it's nearly impossible to do. Witnessing is literally my life. If I didn't have my evangelism, I wouldn't be able to serve God, and... if I wasn't able to do that, then I wouldn't have anything. This may seem like an exaggeration, but it's true. Without Christ, without evangelism, without witnessing, without trying to bring people to Christ, I am nothing. 

And yet... sometimes I feel like I don't know what to say. Sometimes, when I try to witness, especially in real life, face-to-face, I stumble over my words and say stuff wrong. My witnessing is dependent on which alley God gives me to do so. So often, I say the wrong things. And... sometimes, I don't want to witness. I tend to "talk about the rain" and "mull over things that won't live past today." It's then that I need to concentrate on Christ.

And it's hard, but... I want to bring people to Christ. No matter what, that is one thing that I will not give up on. I haven't yet been able to lead people to Christ, but I am looking forward to that moment more than anything else in my life. I just hope... I just hope that that moment will come soon, but even if it doesn't, I'll try to be as patient as I can. Because it'll happen when it's meant to happen, and not a second before that.

Until then, I'll have to be prepared. I can't just expect my life to change someone's so irrevocably that they'll want to accept Christ and experience the joy and hope I do. I've got to make an effort. I've got to live it, breathe it, have it be the driving force in everthing I do. I have to pray for the strength to bring someone to Christ... if I don't have prayer, I doubt things will get done.

And this last point brings me to my next song, Prayer for a Friend by Casting Crowns. The lyrics are as follows:

Lord, I lift my friend to You
I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You
Complicated circumstances have clouded his view
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

I fear that I won't have the words that he needs to hear
I pray for Your wisdom, oh God, and a heart that's sincere
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You
My best friend in the world
I know he means much more to You
I want so much to help him, but this is something he has to do
And Lord, I lift my friend up to You

'Cause there's a way that seems so right to him
But You know where that leads
He's becoming a puppet of the world, too blind to see the strings
Lord, I lift my friend up to You
My friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You
I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You

This song refers to a "he," but that could easily be switched to a "she," because I'm not just witnessing to males—in fact, I'm predominantly witnessing to females. However, disregarding the gender-specificness, this song is absolutely beautiful. It's only about two minutes and forty-five minutes, but wow, does it pack some deep emotion in there.

For me, this song really hits home. In some circumstances, I have literally done all I can. I've been witnessing, I've been telling them about Christianity, I'm living out my faith... and sometimes, all of my best efforts could come to an end of absolutely nothing. And that's when I have to still continue witnessing, but... put the rest in the God's hands. I have to pray, pray so hard. I literally curl up in a ball in my bed and cry out to God, tears running down my face, as I ask Him to bring my friends to Him. 

It's so hard to stay strong. It's so hard to be an evangelist and know that the people you're witnessing to might come to hate you in the end. It's hard to see them travel down the wrong path, becoming a "puppet of the world, too blind to see the strings," to quote the song. It's hard to see people reject Christ simply because of a few bad experiences with the faith. 

But it's something I have to deal with. It's not going to go away. These difficulties are not going to get easier—in fact, they're going to get more difficult. And when that happens, I can't just give up. I'll still witness and, more than anything else, pray for them. Every single day, I ask God to bring my friends to Christ. As said above, many of those times involve tears. Evangelism is such a big part of me... it makes me wear my heart on my sleeve, it really does. It's amazing how vulnerable and emotional evangelism makes me feel.

So... yeah. As you can deduce, I'm struggling with evangelism—not with wanting to do it, of course, but with trying to make it have a difference. Sometimes, it seems like it doesn't make a bit of difference, and then other times it seems like I'm so close to having my first friend accept the Lord.

But that's okay.

So it's difficult. That doesn't mean I'll stop. I love the people I'm witnessing to, but I'm constantly remembering that Jesus loves them even more... and that's where this next song comes in. It really expresses my need to witness, and my passion for doing so.

Perfectly suitable, the next song is called Jesus Loves You by Stellar Kart, and the lyrics are below:

Tell me, what do you believe in?
Does your life have rhyme or reason?
Something in your heart that makes you care?
I hope that you don't mind me asking
But I've got a burning passion
I need to know forever you'll be there

I can't make it clearer
Put it any other way
If you can't see the simple truth I do
Then there's nothing in this world that's left to say
But Jesus loves you

I know I don't have all the answers
And I have wasted many chances
To prove to you a faith that lives inside
I'm praying there will be a breakthrough
'Cause I can't be the one to save you
God knows how many times I've tried

I can't explain
But I can't deny
So many times for you I've cried
And to see you on your knees tonight

I can't make it any clearer
Put it any other way
To know you know the simple truth I do
And to know that your forever has been changed
'Cause Jesus loves you

Out of these three songs, this is my favorite. It just... perfectly expresses everything—my passion for evangelism, how I've done all I know to do and how I have to hand things over to Christ sometimes, how I want to see someone come to Christ because of some of my efforts, to see someone come to be a Christian and how that would change my life...

From the first line, I knew that I was going to love this song. So often, I've asked myself: What does [insert religion and/or belief system here] believe in? Why do they believe in it? What does their religion or belief system explain, and how does it do that? What does it justify? What does it not justify? Does it fulfill the followers of that religion/belief system, or do they feel empty? At its heart, what is that particular religion or belief system teaching? To me, a lot of those religions/belief systems seem so inconceivably far-fetched that I couldn't possibly believe what they do. 

And when it talks about the "burning passion"... that's what I have. I have a burning passion for Christ, for evangelism, as you can see. It makes me literally risk friendships and relationships with other people—evangelism even made me break off the relationship that meant the most to me in this world. I'm dedicated to this... I'm dedicated to evangelism, even though I know that on my own I can't bring people to Christ. However, I'm not going to give up—God uses me as a vessel to bring people to Christ, and I can't claim responsibility. It's all God's work, and none of mine.

This song reminds me that, however much I might want to be, I can't be the one to save my friends. I can show them the path, I can light it up for them, I can nudge them a bit, but in the end, it's the Holy Spirit working in me and in them that will bring them to Christ. I can't possibly claim credit—it's all God's love and grace that's doing it. So, if what I say doesn't work, I have to hope that Christ will somehow open their eyes.

Which is hard.

As the song says, I've cried so many times about how I feel so helpless to bring people to Christ. I curl up in bed and cry for hours because I feel so helpless. I cry for hours on end. I write long posts and emails in hopes of explaining my faith to them. When that doesn't work, I break down and cry out to Jesus. I ask Him to bring them into His arms. Because... Jesus loves my friends more than I could ever love them. He died for them—not me. He loves them so much more, and if He wants them to come to Him, then they will. (Of course, he wants everyone to come to Him, but that's another can of worms that I am not getting into right now.)

And... I think I've said all I can. I might expand on this post later, but I've got to go in fifteen minutes, so I can't really do so now. I will talk more about this subject, though—if you didn't get anything else out of this, I hope you've all realized how much evangelism is a part of me, because that's what I set out to do with this post. Opinions are varied on how well I succeeded, though.

Comments

[reixedyri.livejournal.com]

As long as you make the right choices for you... then everything will be alright.

[miriammoules.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. I think I would rather have people know I loved them. Part of that loving of them is wanting them to know Jesus, but it's also listening hard for the sound of the Spirit.

God is everywhere, we've just got to find him/her. So in everyone we meet will be something of God, in God's unique image. Evangelism for me is recognising that spark of God and staying with it, keeping a dialogue that is open to the possibility of my being changed.

People will know we are Christians by the way we love one another, first and foremost. The longer I travel, the more I realise this is true. Where love is, there is God, and that doesn't have to be someone who proclaims themselves a Christian by other means. Not all who cry "lord lord" will be saved, and not all who are saved will have cried "lord lord" with their tongues, but will have know the God of love in their hearts and God will know that relationship.

I talk about Jesus a lot, but usually when someone else asks why I do what I do. It comes up fairly often, as I normally mention shelter, or Brownies, or Feast or something. And those who know I am a Christian and know I listen to them know that I am also comfortable about talking to God without forcing the issue.

The amount of damage forceful evangelists have done has made me wary, I have to admit, especially in the mis-selling of the Gospel. I tend to start with "He lived for me" before "He died for me". It tends to make more sense.

[callistahogan.livejournal.com]

True. I too would rather someone love me and allow me to witness to them, but in cases where that's impossible, where friendships *are* going to disintegrate, where relationships *are* going to wither, where people are going to hate me for what I'm telling them, I'd hope that they'd go away from that with the knowledge that I tried to save them. Of course, that doesn't always occur, but I'm not expecting it to.

I find it curious that you start with "He lived for me" first. It's actually a really great idea--showing his love before his grace, and then slowly bringing up the topic of "He died for me." So, I might use that now, if only to breach the topic with some people. :)

[miriammoules.livejournal.com]

I've not yet had a friendship disintegrate for that reason. I've had them disintegrate because my integrity won't let me allow something to continue, so where a friend has been bullying me, or because their behaviour was out of order and they c/wouldn't see it.

I think a good example would be having a fat friend. I'm fat. I have health issues. A good friend might say "hey, Miriam, I'm worried. You seem to be gaining weight" and I might say "yeah, there's a reason, but thanks for caring". If she kept going on about a diet, I might stop talking to her, as she isn't listening to me telling her that there's underlying issues. If she doesn't care enough to listen to me, then why would I listen to her.

If she suggested going out to eat together, and ate carefully herself, I would be likely to follow suit. If we then walked home, we've done something good for both our health. If we watched a film together, and she got water and salt popcorn, rather than toffee and soda, I would appreciate her far more.

She didn't need to say a word, yet I start changing my habits. If my other friends follow suit then I'm going to be healthier, through good peer pressure.

It's the same with evangelism.

[callistahogan.livejournal.com]

True. A lot of Christians don't have friendships disintegrate because of their faith. However, with me, it seems that if I'm going to stay as strong a Christian as I am, people aren't going to want to hang around me. I could be as gentle and loving as possible, but as soon as I bring up Jesus or evangelism, they tend to run in the opposite direction. I'm not sure exactly why, but that's the way it is, at least for me.

I agree with your examples, too. I'm trying to lead a good, kind life--after all, if I didn't, then why would they ever want to become a Christian, if they don't see a change in my life. It's like when I said in my post that I can't expect someone to want to become a Christian just because they hang out with me. Sure, I might be a Christian, but if I'm just like the rest of the world, how could it make a difference? Evangelism is a lot of things, but to me, it seems more of a "be an example and people will want to see what's moving you" sort of thing. And it's hard to try and be that kind, gentle person, but it's more than worth it in the end.

[miriammoules.livejournal.com]

I don't think you're like Will, but the way you tell it reminds me a little of him.

He's offended a lot of people. He claimed it was because of his faith, but from where we were looking, it was that his "love" was a nasty love that put people down, manipulated and co-erced people into signing up for his God. He'd been a salesman before he went into ministry. He had friends who were like him, but didn't stand up to him. It felt like he was mis-selling the gospel - his line was that God didn't really love people until they loved Him (which is where I think you differ, for a start). He also said that God didn't love gay people, or those who didn't sign up for "penal substitutionary atonement" or that didn't say a sinner's prayer. He came across as saying that the only way to heaven was to believe as he did, and if you didn't then you were gone. Talking to him in conversation, he had a little more flexibility, but the way he came across was really hurtful and unforgiving. He was very good with the street folk, and could accept a very colourful church in terms of variety of people, but not in terms of theology.

A very wise person said the points of resistance were the ones we had the most to learn - if we're constantly coming up against the same resistance then maybe we have something to learn.

[callistahogan.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry if I'm coming off a bit like Will... it's not what I've intended at all, and part of the thing I have to work on is how I say things. I really haven't been witnessing like this openly, nor have I been writing my feelings down in something like this, so it's hard to get things phrased right. I do have a passion for this, I do believe I have a gift, but things aren't going to get easier.

I don't believe what Will believes, or at least not entirely, but maybe I'm coming off a little rough. Which wasn't my intention--most of these posts are just a way to get my feelings down, and I guess people are able to take them the wrong way. But, hey. If I don't practice getting these things down, I'll never be able to get better, right?

Part of my issue may be that I don't understand the points of resistance, as you put it, because I tend to come across the same thing a lot. Some of that is my fault--I *can* be a little harsh sometimes, especially when I get really excited/upset about something--but in other ways, I feel that certain viewpoints don't fit into my interpretation of the Bible. In that case, as I did with evolution, I've studied both sides and decided which one made the most sense to me. I've done that with pretty much all of the biggest issues, from abortion to gay marriage to Christianity to evolution to religion, and maybe I've come out stronger for it, maybe I haven't.

But I do have a lot to learn. I need to really learn what's going wrong and how I can fix it, because I don't really want to come off as someone harsh, or someone that tries to manipulate and coerce people into believing what I do, because that's the last thing I want to do...

[miriammoules.livejournal.com]

Points of resistance can be well explored by asking what the emotional/intellectual/physical/experiential reasons are that someone could believe it - and the best possible reasons, that come out of the best of who someone is, rather than "oh, they've had a bad experience". Also looking at the qualities that influence someone. My other half isn't a Christian, yet he's the loveliest of the men I've dated, and the things that make him "not a christian" - his inertia, his scepticism, his need for things to be sure, his awareness of his limitations, his curiosity about the world, his experience of reading church history during his degree, specifically the things done in the name of Jesus - are the things that are attractive and balance me out and enable me to do what I do. He gives me the resources to do God Stuff and backs me to the hilt in doing it. I have seen God work more through Matthew than through all my other (all Christian) boyfriends combined.

I pray that God will reveal Godself to him in a way M understands, but I know that it takes time. M does things slowly, unlike my mercurial nature. If I am to show Christ, I need to see why M sees the world as he does. My experiences are not his.

I've found that learning to hold ideas in tension help. So I believe utterly in a woman's right to an abortion, yet work so that it is never needed, because I believe that God knows us before we are born. In a perfect world, there would be no abortion, yet getting to that perfect world does not begin by denying women bodily autonomy or the right to make decisions regarding her health care. So many things are not "either/or" but "both/and".

I believe in creation and evolution.

[callistahogan.livejournal.com]

*nods*

Exactly. It's hard for me to look at things from someone else's point of view. I often can't do it on my first try--sometimes, I have to do it quite a few times before I'm able to understand why they believe what they do. I can't understand all the reasons someone believes what they do since, like you said, their experiences are not mine, but I can attempt to understand some of them. Sometimes, the reason may be "I've had a bad experience with Christianity," but sometimes it's not, and I accept that.

For me, though, I'm just learning all of this. I'm just becoming the person I believe God wants to be. I'm only just beginning to really witness and learn about all of these different things. I'm only just growing in my faith, so I can't know everything. I never claim to know everything. All I can do is trust in God, both to reveal Himself to me but to reveal Himself to my friends and family as well.

So, I'm trying to look at those reasons, but oftentimes, I can only make an educated guess why they believe what they do. Once I get the best guess I think I'll receive, I don't try to change their views--I try to reveal God's strength, love and power through what I do day to day, not through preaching and forcing them to believe what I do, because that rarely (in the case of speaking about your faith and "preaching," for lack of a better word) if not *never* works all by itself.

So, I agree wholeheartedly. This is just something I'm currently working on and trying to improve. :)

[miriammoules.livejournal.com]

If you want to grow in Christ, I can recommend Wayfaring by Margaret Silf as a discipline and discipleship that enabled me to use my imagination in empathy.
The (N.American) theologian I love to read is Molly Wolf - she has a weekly mailing called "Sabbath Blessings" about finding God in small things.

Also "The Road less travelled" and "further along the road less travelled" by M Scott Peck are good for learning empathy.

I've found that in those I look for God in small things before the big ones, and thus the big ones begin to make more sense from someone else's PoV, but they take on a different colour to them.

mostly empathy etc is about learning to be old, I think.

[nanuq459.livejournal.com]

I think Sun Tzu put it best: "A true leader leads by example, not by force."
My meaning is this: Sometimes there's no way to show people the way except trying to provide them with a good example. Sometimes that can work better than all the preaching in the world.
Or at least that's what I've noticed.

[callistahogan.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know. That's a lesson that's hard for me to learn--not going on and out about my faith, because that's what I'm so tempted to do--but I'm getting better at it, I think. For some people, all I *can* do is provide them with a good example, and I'm more than content (well, not content with it, per se, but accepting) if that's all I can do. I'd prefer to be able to talk about my faith, but I understand that's not always possible.

[miriammoules.livejournal.com]

Reminds me of a chaplain that challenged me to have a hundred topics of conversation that didn't immediately reference God.

So I immersed myself in the world and looked around until I had my hundred. I could talk about philosophy, ethics, world events and current affairs, history, politics, books and stories.

He then asked me "where is God in all of these and each of these?"